“I do take you … to be my wedded …., to love and to cherish in accordance with the divine law as set out in the Holy Scriptures for Christians……., for as long as we both shall live together on earth according to God’s marital arrange.”
Can you tell how many in your country have taking this vow? How many of such vow taking have you personally witnessed? Are you currently living in the vow? If you are living in the vow currently, is it that you found love or that love found you? If you currently are not living in the vow, is it because you are not of age or you perceive marital commitment as a bondage? Or you feel marital commitment is old fashion? Some say they are not ready to go into such commitment because they still want to enjoy their freedom. The truth is that chasing the freedom for which anyone pushes away the commitment of marital vow does not really leave such an individual free. You are still a slave to your fear of marital commitment and a puppet in the hand of the next exploitative male or female. Some say marriage is a black box, that you do not know what awaits you until you are in it. The mere fact that the two taking the vow are imperfect makes such saying correct. I will say that the immensity of the darkness in the black box, called marriage, depends on what the two taking the vow had made of themselves before they got to this day, taking a vow of togetherness as imperfect as they are.
Some feel marriage should be like a business contract with renewal or termination clauses allowing both parties to reevaluate whether they should continue with the marriage or not. Truly, some who have taking the vow of marital commitment have lived it like a business contract. At the slightest provocation, pulling on the clauses of separation and divorce. A future write ups will take a closer look at why these clauses are pulled and resultant impacts.
Every man wants to marry an ideal woman same as every woman wants to marry an ideal man. So, who really is the ideal man or the ideal woman? The idea of an ideal man or woman is a better than factual expectation in marital union. No two man or woman are the same. So, better to embrace the idea of an ideal man or woman in a relative sense. What is ideal to one man or woman will not be ideal to another man or woman. Like the adage, “one man’s meat is another man’s poison”. Suffice to say that marriage is what the two taking the vow will make of marriage years after the vow taking.
Now note “what the two had made of themselves before getting to take this vow”. Whatever they “had made of themselves” does not refer to the period of dating and courtship. It goes way back to the developmental period in their respective families – birth and growth (spiritual, mental, emotional and, physiological) of the perceived ideal man and woman.
THE MALE CHILD THE RELATIVE IDEAL MAN
Whatever any man sees of himself as ideal, depends on parental/guardian training or lack of it. There are lots sharpening of the life pattern of the male child to give him anything relatively ideal of himself. So, if a male child is to grow up to see anything that is relatively ideal of himself, there should be a relatively ideal father. A father who sees so much relatively ideal in himself so he can transfer same to the male child.
While some single parent mothers have done a good job at training a male child, at the death of a relative ideal father, there are those who are single mothers by choice. Some single mothers by choice pride themselves to have raised a male child without needing a father figure. Such systemic single mothers fail to recognize that they do not have the innate qualities of a relatively ideal father figure. Admittedly, some may have done a good job at it, but will the male child psychologically feel anything missing in his perception of a relative ideal man?
Every male think or feels himself as ideal in a relative sense. However, it’s only a thought or feeling until any perceived ideal personality fits properly into a female’s relative purpose. Getting married is like bolts and screws used to fasten an object. If you get the wrong bolt to a screw, it won’t be ideal. You must get the ideal bolt to fit the screw for the purpose it is to serve. So, there are different sizes of bolts and screws for different purpose. Therefore, the ideal one must be chosen for the relative ideal purpose of a female desiring to get married.
Keeping the analogy of bolts and screws, if a male is to be an ideal bolt (of marriageable personality) to fit the purpose of combining it with the screw (the female desiring a suitable married mate), when does the man start to be the bolt and how does he become the bolt that fits the purpose for which a female desires to be married, the relatively ideal male. Everyone getting married has on their minds the purpose for which they desire to be married.
Whatever purpose for which a man or woman desires to get married, there will always be a man or woman that relatively ideally fits that purpose. It will be wrong to marry without a purpose in mind or marrying for the wrong reason.
Proper to give attention now to when and how a relatively ideal man is made:
Defective Fatherhood Defective Relatively Ideal Man: The male child consciously or unconsciously imbibes the traits of his father whom he sees as a role model. Every father is someone else’s mother relative ideal man. Over the years of marriage, what has he made of his been a relatively ideal man to his married mate? Some women are very vocal when asked if they will still marry the same man a second time. If the answer is “no”, it bespeaks that the husband had been anything but a relatively ideal man that the woman had wanted to marry.
Since every woman desire to marry a relatively ideal man, it puts the responsibility on the shoulders of the one fathering the next relatively ideal man to be. Would the father live up to his role as the one to shape the next relatively ideal man? What values in life does the father have that can be transferred to the male child?
It starts with what view the father has of his wife. The male child observes body languages and hears utterances of the father towards his mother. The male child observes his father insults and beats up his mother routinely. To the male child it comes down to how a woman should be treated. The male child may tend to side with his mother as a little child but at maturity, he struggles with the same trait he has imbibed from a defective fatherhood. Tomorrow some lady desiring to have a relative ideal man hooks up with him. It will start off nicely initially but the actual relatively ideal man that he truly is from a defective fatherhood will overtake any seemingly niceness. It will start with abusive speeches and then degenerate to routine beatings. The passage of years in the marriage shows him to be a defective husband and father as the father that brought him up! Every negative trait imbibed from a defective fatherhood will start to manifest at the instance of realizing he is as defective as his father.
Some of the defective lifestyle a father may inadvertently transfer to a male child are:
- Gross disrespect for the feminine gender
- Abuse of headship and lack of genuine love for wife.
- Excessive use of drugs, alcohol, smoking as a means of relaxation.
- Misuse of family funds for frivolous things
- Uncontrolled licentious interest in everything on skirts.
- Inability to hold on to job that keeps the family sustained
- Football club side fanaticism.
Effective Fatherhood Effective Relative Ideal Man: We must give it to father’s doing a good job at inculcating valuable life qualities in the male child becoming the next relative ideal man. Effective fatherhood pays off in future when the male child becomes mature in such valuable training. The male child will see firsthand how a relatively ideal man should treat a woman as a wife and then the family. The male child notices the unpretentious loving disposition of his father to his wife, as his role model.
The male child will live through life questions that the father provides answers to in the way he relates with his wife and the family. Questions such as:
- Is headship to exercised tyrannically or with loving affection?
- How do I care for the needs of my wife?
- How do I honor and support my wife?
- Will my wife have to work to support me in caring for the family?
- How do I provide for my family spiritually, physically, emotionally and, otherwise?
- How do I show my love to my children?
- How do I relate with my family in-law?
- How do you help the male learn the best way to treat the female sibling growing up in the family?
- How do I help my wife and children relate with my family?
- Should I leave my family to work outside the country?
- What about extra-marital affairs, what is the father telling the next relative ideal man who is impacted by his sexual escapades.
- Feel free to make your own list of life questions as a father that you want to answer through your lifestyle to the next relative ideal man you are raising.
These questions and more answered by the lifestyle of his father, shapes who the male child is and really becomes in the future as the next relatively ideal man who will later become the husband.
Self-Developed Relative Ideal Man: Growing up with a defective fathering should not leave any man with consciousness to be relatively ideal, doomed to be defective too. With maturity comes responsibility. No more living with the excuse of a defective fatherhood. Associating with the right kind of people should remodel your personality over time. Continually blaming a bad habit on defective fatherhood will be indicative of a defect in own personal development. Even if you can identify and blame a bad behavior on defective fatherhood, what have you personally done about it? So, if fatherhood is blamed, blame yourself equally. Why? If it truly hurts you that your fatherhood makes you the defective ideal man, it means you know it’s wrong but for an egocentric disposition, you have done nothing to correct it all this while.
As a grown mature man pay close attention, with the intent to correct any observed inherent defective fatherhood, to how your peers are succeeding in their marital union. Pay close attention to:
- Who you accept into your circle of friends?
- What values do your friends place on the feminine gender?
- What are their views of marital commitment?
- Can you discuss freely your desire to be a committed husband and father?
- Will they remain your friends if you insist on the useful moral values actuating your mind?
It is not just enough to think of self as a relatively ideal man but your actions and reactions to your female mature siblings in the family, betrays any thought or feelings of being a relative ideal man. As mature man in the family, whatever attitude displayed to your grown female siblings is the same attitude you will display to the future ideal woman you may ever have as a wife.
We can have more quality relatively ideal men in the future for women looking for valuable relatively ideal men if every male child pay attention to the good examples of the relatively ideal father that is bringing them up. If while maturing a male child notices defective fatherhood, the now, no longer male child but a grown-up man can identify with a better role model that will help him reevaluate his personality in relation to wanting to be a relative ideal man to a desiring woman.
It will make a healthy married community if every male commit to breaking the circle of defective fatherhood.
Much of what a relative ideal man becomes is gotten from the home he grows up.
Ladies looking for a relatively ideal man, should ascertain the relatively ideal man they intend to marry has a relatively ideal father.
THE FEMALE CHILD THE RELATIVE IDEAL WOMAN
It takes more than a pretty face and a scintillating physique to be a relatively ideal woman. The glamour and glitter of celebrities on the red carpet as portrayed on social medias and magazines preempts ladies to pay more than the appropriate attention to the external parts of themselves that they miss out on the most important thing that truly makes them relatively ideal women.
Most fathers will admit that they cannot do a good job of raising a female child. However, some fathers have done a good job of raising the female child. A female child that grows up with the tutelage of a relatively ideal mother should take advantage of it.
Avery female perceive themselves as an ideal woman in all ramification. Well, if much of such perception is superficial, it leaves so much to worry about.
Defective Motherhood Defective Relatively Ideal Woman: Like the male child, the female child admires her mother as a role model. Does the female child have a relatively ideal mother from whom she can learn what makes a truly ideal woman? Some mothers inadvertently set their female child up to be defective relatively ideal woman. How the mother of the female child lives, will be resonance on the kind of relative ideal woman the female child becomes. The female child will absorb from her mother’s lifestyle these defective forms of keeping a man and a home:
- Disrespecting disposition toward her husband.
- Usurping her husband’s headship
- Poor home management skills
- Eating the bread of laziness
- How to pay more attention to physical beauty than inner beauty that is of more lasting value.
- Presence of house help(s) that does the bidding of everyone in the household.
Effective Motherhood Effective Relative Ideal Woman: The female child growing up in an effective motherhood should take note of and start at an early age to use valuable learnings from her mother. An effect motherhood is an asset to making that female child the next most valuable relative ideal woman. She will certainly be the pride of the well deserved relative ideal man. An effective motherhood is of any value if the female child takes note of and assimilate the following ways her mother takes and makes her motherhood effectively:
- Loves her husband dearly
- Support and backup her husband’s decisions
- Knows how to get to the heart of her husband by preparing nutritious meal for the family. This is very important as any female child who gets distracted from what her mother does in the kitchen will not in the future, as a married woman, automatically give nutritious meal to her family.
- Not squandering the family’s income on extreme frivolous ornaments of adoration.
- Observe closely when parents switch roles and at the same time honoring each other.
- There are some aspects of being a wife and mother that is culturally oriented. The female child also needs to be familiar with and make part of her relatively ideal woman.
- Make your mother your best friend. Failure to relate cordially with your mother, as a female child, leaves you ill equipped to become a relatively ideal woman.
Self-Developed Relative Ideal Woman: A some point in time every grown woman will desire some level of commitment in vow of togetherness. Admittedly, so much may have necessitated the grown woman to miss out on her developmental period while growing up. Does the grown lady still have the space to be the relatively ideal woman? Only if she recognizes her defectiveness as one who wants to make a success of her future life as a relatively ideal woman.
Don’t sink into the idea that someone will have to marry you the way you are. Such self-insinuation comes back to become the reason you will be perceived as ill equipped to make a good home. Identify some of your female friends who had concerned themselves with growing up as truly relatively ideal women. You may have to be forthright with how you want them to help you achieve your marital goals.
You are not doomed to be a defective relatively ideal woman only if you swallow your pride and allow yourself to be thought what you missed out on either by way of negligence or grew up with in a defective motherhood.
Gentlemen desiring to marry a relatively ideal lady should take time to observe her mother.
GENERATION OF CLUELESS RELATIVELY IDEAL MEN AND WOMEN
The modern woman wants to be wooed by luxury and flamboyance. The modern man understands that and so chases luxury and flamboyance to woo the seemingly relatively ideal woman. Relative ideals in luxuries and flamboyance frets away any compatibility that ever existed between the two.
A male and female child paying more attention to physical growth than those of the mind and heart, leaves nothing about relatively ideal man or woman to be desired. A handful of male and female child growing up in relatively ideal families, lives in such families without paying attention to what will make them a desirable relatively ideal man or woman. They want to marry a relatively ideal person, but they are not as much as relatively ideal themselves.
Desiring to get an ideal man or woman to marry is proper in so far there is clear understanding of what you are looking out for as relatively ideal. However, it only has value when you have also made of yourself something that the next person can accept and relate with that makes a relatively ideal man or woman, for the vow of togetherness in marital union.
Most modern young men and women engross themselves in sensual pursuit that they have little or no clue when and how to become the relative ideal mate they individually want to marry.