“I do take you … to be my wedded …., to love and to cherish in accordance with the divine law as set out in the Holy Scriptures for Christians……., for as long as we both shall live together on earth according to God’s marital arrange.”
“I….take you…..to be my wife (or husband). To have and to hold from this day forward for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s Holy law; and this is my solemn vow.”
No two comes together to take the vow of togetherness that does not have love for each other even if later thought to be mere pretense. If you have taking this vow, think of yourself on that day. How overwhelming the feeling of finally spending the rest of your life with the one you truly love. If you have not taking the vow of togetherness, reflect on the faces of those whose vow taking you have witnessed. Did you not also feel an overwhelming excitement at seeing the love birds tying the knot at last?
On your wedding day, what do you perceive made both of you compatible? Is it much of your physical appearances or what both of you valued of each other innately? It is preferred to perceive compatibility in spiritual values, mental ability in rationalizing on situations, emotional and intellectual ability and capacity in acting or reacting to situations. Also not be overlooked is the parental and societal impact over the years that each have been developing away from each other.
Walk Down the Aisle: Every lady looks forward to the day when she will be walked down the aisle by her father or whoever is to hand her over. Every gentleman looks forward to the day when he will sit excitedly waiting for his bride to be walked down the aisle to be by his side. A very beautiful anticipation by both the bride and the groom. Behind those beautiful steps of the bride down the aisle and behind the exciting wait on the part of the groom lies the pathway to a married life to what both can only wait to see.
No bride or groom is complete in the absolute sense of it, not in the day they became coupled nor in the rest of their life’s as married couple. Therefore, it will be inappropriate to expect perfection on the part of each other. However, there is an aspect in the marital vow that is not taking note of or its simply viewed as a ritualistic statement that must be said by all getting married. The aspect is “God’s laws” as it applies to marital union. If both recognizes that marriage is provision by God, then they will allow his loving laws binding on married couple to be what makes them appear to be perfect couple.
Ironically, the majority taking marital vow of togetherness on their wedding day have little or no clue not to mention respect for God’s laws that both vowed to live by in their marriage till the end of their life’s as married couple. Therefore, a couple will appear perfect as a result of recognizing and applying the godly law they vowed to live by in their marriage.
In general, there are two types of marriage: civil and religious, and typically marriages employ both (religious marriages must often be licensed and recognized by the state, and conversely civil marriages, while not sanctioned under religious law, are nevertheless respected). However, people get married for various reasons (right or wrong) yet want to take a vow they may not or are not ready to live by. We can evaluate the varying reason some get married from the classification of marriage below:
Marriage of Convenience: No two couples get married for the same reasons. The reason for getting married partly determines whether the union can withstand the tribulation in marriage or collapse at the slightest hint of marital turbulence.
Most marriages appear to be marriages of convenience contracted for reasons other than that of relationship of love. Instead, such a marriage is entered for personal gain or some other sort of strategic purpose, such as political gain, pursuance of green card in a foreign land, to retain a personal or family status, etc. Some are excited by this form of marriage because like they say it gives them some “thrills and chills”. That is both mates have something to struggle for in the marriage. Failure to keep either side of bargain puts turbulence on the marriage.
Arranged Marriage: Two individuals select themselves with the involvement of the families and social circles involved in the selection process. The two involved may not even know themselves but are coerced to come together as married mates since it is perceived that both families will benefit by the union.
Love Marriage: In some societies, it is common or expected for people to marry out of love. The two involved found themselves and agree based on feelings of love to marry each other. Both explains what informs their decision to family members and expect cooperation and support from family members.
There more classifications under the varying reason people get married but I will leave it at just these three.
WHY HIM WHY HER: He is tall dark and handsome with a seductive baritone voice. She is tall, fair in completion with hips that doesn’t lie, keeping one drooling or a “banging body” as described on social media. There is more to marriage than focusing on an external image of a man or woman intended for marriage. It is not uncommon to hear a man saying he wants a homemaker. The woman too voice interest for a man who will love and care for his family. So, the cards are on hand but often not played when it is time to marry.
In my previous write up “I do Take” – The Ideal Man the Ideal woman, focus is made of what should be looked out for in an intended wife or husband. Ironically, some starts looking only when they are already in the marriage. At this time visit is made to one marriage counselor after another in hopes to solve marital problems.
“It is not the number of times or how long a couple sits before a marriage counselor but what the couple values and use away from the marriage counselor that determines the actual success of an already strained marital union”.
At the start of every marriage it seems to be going like a romantic tale of “and they live happily ever after.” The passage of time along with the trials and tribulations in marriages, shows the true quality of both mates. Any couple that have lost their “living happily ever after” should stop for a moment, think back and retrace where they lost it. I will make classification of marital relationship as a way of directing couples to where they may have lost their “living happily ever after”. The truth is no couple started off their marital relationship as any of these classifications, but they inadvertently ended up as such. Read carefully through these classifications and be honest to yourself if it’s what your martial relationship has become.
- Toxic Relationship: Most often than not it’s one of the mates that brings the toxicity in the relationship. Such mate starts with psycho-emotional torture of the other mate. It gradually degenerates to physical abuse. At this stage it becomes life threatening. Such mate desires absolute control? What may cause a mate to become toxically driving towards his or her married mate?
Feelings of Insecurity – there could be several reasons for which a mate may feel insecure with a married mate. Could be infidelity, inferiority or superiority complex over the success or achievement of the other mate, anticipated change from a mate that seem illusive, etc.
Alpha Male Syndrome – headship is demanded when it should have been earned. The male wants his ego to be fanned even when he doesn’t show love and care to his wife. Some customs and traditions make some husbands conduct themselves egocentrically. It could also be as a result of poor husbandly and fatherly figure at the formative years of the man.
Perfectionist Disposition – It’s a giving that married mates will make mistakes. What married mates makes of the other mate’s mistakes will either make or mar their marital relationship. Other than thinking whether the words or actions are deliberate, better to think “I can also be cut” in similar mistake as an incentive to pass over the mate’s transgression. Mates failing to overlook the shortcomings of each other, as it were, keeps pouring gasoline on themselves to light each other up. They become self-destruct.
- Warlock Relationship: Every married couple looks forward to blessings of all kinds in their marriage. Sometimes such expectations are not met, and it might seem previous achievements are wasting away. The feelings become someone is behind the misfortune. The husband most often will draw to the conclusion that its wife and her family. It is mentally and emotionally draining to sink in the thought and feeling that the misfortune experienced in marriage is brought on by a mate or family member. Married mates may be in a right situation but at wrong time for it.
- Irate or Cheesed Off Relationship: It is unavoidable that imperfect couple will offend each other either by words or action. What is made of such offences can drag the couple’s relationship to become warzone. You may recall how bad this can be if you have washed the dark comedy film of 1989 based upon the 1981 novel by Warren Adler “War of the Roses”. There will always be differences after difference. What couples do with each difference that will ever arise is what makes each couple different.
- Permeable Relationship: Couples in this form of relationship recognize and accommodate the strength and weakness of each other. They work together to better each other’s weakness while enhancing their individual and collective strength through open communication. They are committed to the success of their marriage other than looking for loopholes to discredit the other mate.
During marital turbulences, they do not consider their marriage a failure. Rather they put loving effort such that turbulence in their marriage does not make them fail in their vow of togetherness.
EVENLY OR UNEVENLY YOKED: Congratulations you are married. Congratulations you are about to get married. Congratulations you are thinking of getting married. With the years gone by in your marriage, do you still remember why you decided to marry her? Do you still remember why you agree to marry him? Now that you are deciding to marry, have you made clear in your mind why you are making decision to marry her? Why you are going to accept his proposal? At the right age and maturity, as a male or female you will give thought to marriage. However, do not think of marriage simply as an escape from living an immoral life. Or as an opportunity to have the desired sex you have avoided all these years of maturity in keeping to moral and godly requirement.
The passage of years in your marriage would have already tell you if you are evenly or unevenly yoked to your married mate. If you are about to or thinking of getting married, you can make certain you don’t get unevenly yoked with a married mate. How do I get evenly or unevenly yoked to a mate?
Evenly Yoked: To be evenly yoked starts with having the right reason for deciding to get married. Which is to grow a decent family bonded by natural love, moral and godly laws. If you have the right reason you should make certain your intended has similar disposition to marriage. If you are already married for years now and saddened by the realization that your mate is not similarly disposed about marital union as you are, do not despair.
To be evenly yoked and remain yoked for as long as you both shall live is depended on this vital yet neglected secret to happy marital union. Note these open secretes and analyze the state of your marriage in the light of these:
Open Communication: There are different style of communication as may have been handed down from the family both of grew up from. Lack of open communication has been the start of most marital crisis. It gets worsen when either mate resort to giving the other mate the cold treatment. There is no success where there is no planning. So, where there is no open communication in a marriage, the union is already heading to failure. Communication in marriage is effective when feelings and opinions are expressed respectfully and lovingly assimilated with genuine understanding and interest.
There are times when feelings and opinions are expressed in angry harsh words. As much as it can be hurting hearing the mate you love use such angry tone of voice and words, make excuses for the mate. Would your mate deliberately come out to hurt you that way? Could it be you own actions or inactions, disposition under the present circumstance that has infuriated your mate?
What should be openly communicated had most times been the reason for breaking the line of communication. Should a wife or husband know your monthly income or the profit from your business? Should a wife or husband know that you are romantically involved with a colleague or business associate? Should a wife or husband know that you are diverting the family resources to someone you are flirting with? What else do you think a wife or husband should know or not know? Let it be that whatever your answer will be would keep your marriage the way you started and beyond the next five years after you read this.
Love and Respect: The originator of marriage, God, stipulated that the husband as the head have deep love for his wife. Same is expected of the wife. It has always kept the bond that should be in marriage when a wife earns the love of her husband than acting manipulatively. So, for the husband to deeply love a wife, she should give thought to and always do what earns her husband’s deep love.
Godly stipulation is that a wife respects her husband. A wife will reactively be repulsive when her husband prefers to command respect other than earning it.
Sexual Compatibility: No two sexes have the same libido. Having this understanding will help both mates appreciate why the frequent or sporadic demand for sex on the part of a mate. For some who gets married, sex initially may have been the sought after in marital union. The passage of time will teach that there is more to marriage than sexual gratification. Those who will not learn with time will be putting cracks of infidelity in their marriages until the wall crumbles.
Some who have been sexually active before getting married may have to teach the other mate who may have not been to get up to speed with his or her sexual hype. This will require patience.
“Those who will not learn with time will be putting cracks of infidelity in their marriages until the wall crumbles.”
No married mates are premade for each other. Both must work at their marriage to become made for each other. Living happily ever after is a factor of what good qualities and principles you have mastered before marriage that you are now willing to apply.
Unevenly Yoked: No couple would initially think of their marital union to be a case of uneven yoking. It simply starts acting out as each mate lives their married life’s without recognition and acceptance of their respective marital assigned role – a loving husband/father and a submissive wife/mother.
Appropriate to admit a couple is unevenly yoked when a mate is left entirely working at making the marriage successful. In some cases, it turns out to be like a friend puts it “slavery that you out of love subject yourself to”. Since it’s failure to leave by marital assigned roles, finding what each mates role is in marriage, accepting and, living by them can get both mates back to discovering that there is just a thin line between evenly and becoming unevenly yoked in marriage.
THE PERFECT COUPLE: Waiting to read that there is a perfect couple? Do not wait, you can find out yourself by starting from your marriage or the one you are about to start off. How to start looking for the perfect couple is to consider an aspect of the vow of togetherness made or that you are about to make on your wedding day. “Both shall live together on earth according to God’s marital arrangement.” Or “to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s Holy law.”
Note “God’s marital arrangement” or “according to God’s Holy law”. Meaning marriage is a product of God. When you buy a product you are unfamiliar with, the first thing to look out for is the product manual. So, when you vowed to use the product manual on your wedding day, did you know of the manual before your wedding day? Have you found, have you been going through and, using the manual of instruction all the while in your marriage?
Many who decided to take the marital vow of togetherness do not recognize or accept the manual of instruction in marriage. Every unfamiliar product that is used without consulting and following the product manual of instruction gets ruined before getting value from the product. Some may know but may feel more intelligent or blatantly refuse consulting the manual of instruction in marriage handed down by its designer.
Like a product wrecked by failure to use the manual of instruction, many marriages have wrecked for the same reason.
“There isn’t absolutely perfect couple but can be relatively perfect in relation to knowing, understanding and, living by the manual of instruction from the marriage designer.”